I have a strong-willed child.

Not just your average opinionated kid who wants her own way. A strong-willed, willing to scream for hours, her way or the highway kind of strong-willed child. And the advice I’ve gotten from everyone is consistently “Pick your battles.”

It’s good advice.

Now, if only there were some way to figure out which battles I “should” pick!

I’m no expert, but I’ve been doing this for 8 years now. I’ve also been in therapy for 4 of her 8 years of life and specifically done family therapy sessions with her. I’ve read of ton of parenting books, gotten advice from parents of older children, and implemented 1001 ideas. After all that, here are my tips about how to decide which battles you’re going to pick, and which battles are just pointless.

This is all about control.

You want control. You also need control, because you’re raising this child. Your child wants control, too. So really, picking your battles is about deciding what control you will give to your child, and when.

The more control my daughter gets, the happier she is. Sadly, that doesn’t mean she’s more compliant. She wants ALL the control RIGHT NOW. Choosing my battles just means we get a few moments of peace and harmony in our days.

When thinking about a potential battle, ask these questions.

Is the issue about safety?

Is the issue about health?

Is the issue about hygiene?

Is the issue about your preferences/shoulds?

Is the issue about someone else’s preferences/shoulds?

You are responsible for your child’s safety and health. But these battles will change over time. When my daughter was very little, I put up gates and created a completely babyproof room for her to play in. She hated it. But I didn’t give in to her crying – I chose to keep her safe. When she was very little, I held her down for shots, I paid attention to everything she ate and everything she excreted, I controlled her diet 100%. Now that she’s 8 years old, I have relaxed. She can play outside by herself, but she has rules. She can choose what she wants to eat, as long as it’s something that’s in the house. She can also choose to go hungry.

What level of risk are you willing to live with? How much risk does your child tolerate? I can let my girl climb any tree she wants, because I know she won’t go high enough to be injured by a fall. I let her use scissors and light candles and cut up her own strawberries.

When it comes to health, I can’t force her to eat. But I do control what food it in the house.

For safety and health, it’s worth the effort to fight the battle. Just remember that the battles will change over time.

Is the issue about one of your ideals? When you express this idea, do you use the word “should”? Generally speaking, I find life is better when I give her control over all the “shoulds.” She has pierced ears, and I think she should wear matching earrings. She doesn’t. I think she should wear shorts in the summer. She doesn’t. I think she should eat the food she dislikes the most first, but she doesn’t.

It’s tough when an ideal goes away – like the ideal of a compliant child, for example! But in the long run, it’s worth it to me to give up on the shoulds.

I tend to cede control here. For example, one Easter I provided her with an adorable white sweater because it was 40 degrees that morning. She chose not to wear it and claimed to be totally comfortable all day in her sleeveless dress. For several months she slept on the floor of her room. For at least a year in preschool, she deliberately wore mismatched shoes or shoes on opposite feet. One year at the State Fair she ate a giant ice cream cone, without gloves, in 55-degree weather. At least until her hands got numb and she was surprised!

I get it – it’s frustrating to watch a kid march in the rain without a raincoat, or wear sleeveless dresses on a frigid Easter morning. But ultimately, letting her experience the consequences of her choices teaches her decision-making skills. 

Is the issue about what someone else thinks? Maybe your child wants to wear a dress with a stain on it to church. Or he wants to wear a different superhero costume to preschool every day. Or she wants to pay for her Dollar Store toy with her two quarters, three dimes, and 4 nickels. Do you know what I’m going to say? Yep, give the child control!

I took my child to the grocery store after she had painted both her hands with a blue marker (nonwashable). I don’t force her to do homework. I let her wear the same dress to church week after week. When she decided that a pair of shorts was actually swimwear, I let her wear it to the pool as a swimsuit bottom.

If you’ve been a mom for more than a month, you’ve probably noticed that. But for every person judging you, there’s another person admiring you. I promise. So go ahead and let your child be their wild passionate self.

Elaine Bayless is a writer and Chaplain-in-training from Raleigh, NC. She and her husband have an 8-year-old daughter and two cats. Elaine has a Master’s degree in Divinity and Pastoral Counseling, is a certified peer coach, and is currently working toward a degree in Clinical Pastoral Work. Elaine maintains a personal blog, publishes regularly for a number of well-known outlets, and enjoys baking, reading, cross-stitching, and gardening in her spare time.